Daisypath Graduation tickers

Sunday, October 29, 2023

After Several Drafts

Yes.. after several drafts. 

and after several attempts to login to my blogger site. it's been ages since then.

nothing much to share. 

but i managed to travel on my own to Bandung and Jakarta last July and it really makes me proud of myself. acknowledge myself as scaredy cat before this so i should be proud of myself. 

for now, i am pursuing my study in Master course in University Malaya. sambil bekerja of course, it took a lot of commitments and time, its already in 4th weeks, penat tu memang penat because you have to rush from office and straight away go to class after office hour, ive been exhausted because of the jammed and kelas habis on late night, sampai tak ingat pun nak makan. kali ni it hits different from the degree since this is part time classes and you study sambil bekerja,

but this is the path i choose, there are many reasons why i want to continue my studies. one of the reason is i want to forget and totally erased my mind about that one thing, it hurts me so much until i choose to be in this road. i do not know is it really works for me to get distracted like this or this is the path that Allah already choose for me. because whatever happened there is a reason behind that. 

and i do hope that it turns out well for me in the end. 

since that thing happened, ive been crying like crazy. seems like i overly attached to that. i dont want to elaborate more on that thing because it still hurts. just let me straight to the points on how i become less crying, but now i notice the tears that come out from my eyes is not much since mula mula benda itu terjadi. dengan mengingatkan tentang perkara tu pun dah cukup buat aku trauma dan sakit hati. i just go with the flow and whenever i felt like to cry, i just cry. and i will go to places yang menenangkan fikiran.

i dont know whether i just get to used it. entahlah aku rasa aku dah biasa dengan kesedihan sejak dari dulu lagi. sejak dari mama ada lagi. in terms of family or relationship things. dan aku tak tau aku ni memang kuat atau aku terpaksa kuat. bila aku fikir balik, dah banyak benda aku lalui selama ni.

dan aku masih disini, menjalani kehidupan aku seperti orang normal. 

selama ni kau memang hebat, tapi cuma kau tidak didengar. 

it hits me hard.

another point i want to highlight is aku dah terlalu biasa dengan mendengar. when its my turn to share my feelings, it turns out; nevermind. aku jadi penat. penat menjadi pendengar sedangkan diri sendiri pun terkapai untuk didengari. kadang kadang aku rasa bersalah sebab bila orang share mereka punya perasaan dan luahan aku menjadi tidak ikhlas untuk mendengar. and i blame myself for that. 

sometimes i choose to be silent and gave many reasons to distance myself from that. 

till then. ill be here more often. its my escapism anyway. ;) 😌😶

Thursday, January 6, 2022

Welcome 2022...

Have been busy lately and been thinking to write some thoughts here few weeks ago. And here am I, pouring some ideas and might be simplified on what happened last year (2021)? 

Covid still hit us up since 2020 and I was not really being affected by the MCO since I have to go to work as usual and I really did not even know what is work from home actually means. 

Went to hometown just a few times and that situation really effect my mood since I usually going back to my hometown once in month and pay my visit to Mama`s grave. When I went to my Mama's place, i will sit back for a while and was talking alone, crying hard alone, well i really don't want to reminisce on what i felt because it is REALLY hurts losing someone that who used to be my backbone since ever then. Few months since the MCO has been implemented, i just felt lost, everything is not okay and i was crying everyday. 

Just after that, when the MCO implementation was lifted up, not even thinking twice, i packed my things and drove alone to my hometown. About two hours later, I straight up went to my favourite place, I sat back on the grave and just let my tears fall all over the place. i thought i was strong, but i did not act like one. :( 

Dear Mama,

8 years have been passed but kakak still here missing you every night wishing that i can meet you in my dream. i wish i can show you what I've got for now. My job, my first owned car, my achievements, my sadness, my silly stories about my friends. I really wish i can share with you all that. 

I miss you MAMA, deeply.

 

.............................................................


Sometimes life might be really sucks, and sometimes the fun will come later or otherwise. That sentence really suits in describing on how my 2021 goes. nothing much i hope for this year on good things to happen or really bound to happen. i will just live my life lively and makes people surround me happy. 

 

Thank you for the memories, the lessons that i have been learnt. 

Jatuh bangun diri sendiri disaksikan oleh beberapa orang yang dipercayai, that's more than enough. 

Will be back after I got some mood to write something here. 



Wednesday, November 3, 2021

Sesuatu

Tiba tiba terfikir tentang sesuatu. 

I think I am okay for now, compare to before. I’m being more relaxed, I’m trying to berdamai dengan kehidupan. I’m trying to not stressing out for something I can’t even control. 

People come and go from my life. Kalau fikir balik berapa ramai yang hadir dalam hidup ni just untuk mengajar diri sendiri yang manusia memang fitrahnya tak kekal. Fitrah manusia yang hatinya berbolak balik. Sekarang ni, what stay will stay. Whatever that want to go, it’s my pleasure to see things go from my life. Because at the end, the best will stay. 


I put my finger scrolling the social media for awhile, I truly glad that some of my friends posted something that makes them happy. About work, career, and love life, family. The blessing that they’re having right now, i am happy for them. Dekat sini I’m learning to berdamai dengan kehidupan, maybe I am not really happy for now, but ada sebab why I’m not that happy for now. 


And for this several months, i have learned that never put the happiness on people, never depends on people to makes you happy. It’s your own self to make you happy. ❤️

I’ll be back shortly, if there’s anything I want to say.