After Several Drafts

Yes.. after several drafts. 

and after several attempts to login to my blogger site. it's been ages since then.

nothing much to share. 

but i managed to travel on my own to Bandung and Jakarta last July and it really makes me proud of myself. acknowledge myself as scaredy cat before this so i should be proud of myself. 

for now, i am pursuing my study in Master course in University Malaya. sambil bekerja of course, it took a lot of commitments and time, its already in 4th weeks, penat tu memang penat because you have to rush from office and straight away go to class after office hour, ive been exhausted because of the jammed and kelas habis on late night, sampai tak ingat pun nak makan. kali ni it hits different from the degree since this is part time classes and you study sambil bekerja,

but this is the path i choose, there are many reasons why i want to continue my studies. one of the reason is i want to forget and totally erased my mind about that one thing, it hurts me so much until i choose to be in this road. i do not know is it really works for me to get distracted like this or this is the path that Allah already choose for me. because whatever happened there is a reason behind that. 

and i do hope that it turns out well for me in the end. 

since that thing happened, ive been crying like crazy. seems like i overly attached to that. i dont want to elaborate more on that thing because it still hurts. just let me straight to the points on how i become less crying, but now i notice the tears that come out from my eyes is not much since mula mula benda itu terjadi. dengan mengingatkan tentang perkara tu pun dah cukup buat aku trauma dan sakit hati. i just go with the flow and whenever i felt like to cry, i just cry. and i will go to places yang menenangkan fikiran.

i dont know whether i just get to used it. entahlah aku rasa aku dah biasa dengan kesedihan sejak dari dulu lagi. sejak dari mama ada lagi. in terms of family or relationship things. dan aku tak tau aku ni memang kuat atau aku terpaksa kuat. bila aku fikir balik, dah banyak benda aku lalui selama ni.

dan aku masih disini, menjalani kehidupan aku seperti orang normal. 

selama ni kau memang hebat, tapi cuma kau tidak didengar. 

it hits me hard.

another point i want to highlight is aku dah terlalu biasa dengan mendengar. when its my turn to share my feelings, it turns out; nevermind. aku jadi penat. penat menjadi pendengar sedangkan diri sendiri pun terkapai untuk didengari. kadang kadang aku rasa bersalah sebab bila orang share mereka punya perasaan dan luahan aku menjadi tidak ikhlas untuk mendengar. and i blame myself for that. 

sometimes i choose to be silent and gave many reasons to distance myself from that. 

till then. ill be here more often. its my escapism anyway. ;) 😌😶